The Ultimate Gay Pool Party Guide
Everyone loves hot summer pool parties, and if you say you don’t, it’s probably because you’re just not scoring an invite. Pool parties have everything you need to survive: constant alcohol from noon to the early morning hours, sun, water and sweat glistening from rippled muscles. Nobody has more pool parties than the gay guys do. If you’re not gay you probably think you go to pool parties but no, we are the queens of pool parties, where every deck is a runway, every lounge is a fashion shoot and everyone is iconic. If you’re going to host a hot AF big gay pool party this summer, you better get the basics right or you’ll be lip syncing for your life. And if you’re lucky enough to score an invitation to a gay a big gay pool party (#blessed), there are a few things you need to know to slay.
Of course there is the obvious: a huge mansion, a giant red carpet entrance, fireworks, fire show, water toys, tubes, waterfalls, and of course a DJ festival. But back to basics: First, you’ll need sunscreen. Like everything past that front door, including the Commes Des Garcons cologne you’re mispronouncing, your sunscreen better be high quality and sweat resistant, bonus points for shimmer. Plus, you can ask a buddy to help apply it.. win/win. Second, your body fat will be measured upon entry, and depending on the results it’s likely you’ll be asked to leave your shirt on. So make sure you bring a top just in case. Third, you’ll need sunglasses. Gucci, Tom Ford, Moshchino, Prada, Valentino.. It doesn’t really matter who (joke.. it does), they just need to have lenses blacker than Harvey Weinstein’s soul. You’ll need to hide your eyes so you can cruise the guys while pretending to care about the latest melodramatic breakup or who has the most Insta followers (it’s the guy with the 8 pack). Bonus points for mirrored lenses, because you know every queen loves a good reflection. Now that we have the basics down — let’s light this party up!
Having the proper pool and a nice venue is one of the most important things for a successful pool party. Luckily, the gays are rich and have connections, so they often choose a huge villa that is more expensive than certain towns in undeveloped countries. However, your venue doesn’t have to be expensive ; it just has to look very, very, nice and have a big pool so that everyone can get inside – even though 70% of people will be mingling and checking other people out or sitting next to the pool waiting for other people to check them out. If you choose a minimalistic venue with a nice pool and a great view – your pool party is already halfway to making the “fetch” list.
It would be wrong not to invite someone just because they’re not hot, but make sure that you have at least two hot people for everyone who’s not. It’s not that you’re intolerant, arrogant or mean – no. It just means that you want your pool party to be a success and you want everyone to have a good time, and something smoking hot to look at. So, make a list of all your friends you want to invite, but also don’t forget to invite all the eye-candy you know. It doesn’t matter if they’re cool or boring, they won’t be there to socialize with your friends but rather serve as a very nice decoration and hashtag qualifier, because you’re obviously an aspiring influencer.
The hottest bartenders you know
If you want an exclusive party, you should have bartenders. Self-service is so passé at this moment, especially during the hot, summer days, when you practically don’t want to do anything. This being the case, hire the hottest baristas and bartenders you can find. Of course, they won’t have their tops on. If you happen to make a pool party where people are going to buy their own drinks – you will be making one hell of a profit. If topless models served us drinks at a bar, we wouldn’t even be getting in the water and risk somebody else winning them over.
Barely a dress code
The good thing about going to a pool party is knowing that there’s no dress code. The good thing about that is knowing that everyone is going to be almost (or perhaps completely) naked. If you want to make an original party however, opt for an interesting theme such as fruit and food, and tell everyone to wear cute swimmies that accentuate their bulge and bubble. You can go with the neon theme where everyone should come wearing only neon white, green and pink swimsuits. We suggest keeping it casual and fresh. When your ready to get loose and jump to the pool, why not a jockstrap?! I love seeing myself wearing that but hey as long it looks sexy and shows us the bulge bring it on. If it’s Wednesday, you’re obviously wearing pink. Duh. As for everything else – you won’t be needing it. Pair your cute suit with flip flops or cool men’s Birkenstock shoes and you’re totally than ready to go.
No respectable pool party would be complete without some inflatables to play in the water. Undoubtedly the most classic is the floating bed, but that’s so straight. Make it pink if you want it to gay it up a bit. Or… just go all fully out with the wide range of gay inflatables that are available today. Yes, pool parties are so gay that an entire business around inflatables targeting the gay consumer is flourishing these days. You can ride a floating unicorn rainbow-colored mane while sipping margaritas in the middle of the pool under the sun. Any gay’s dream. A wide range of other gay inspired motives exists: pink flamingos, chic swans or cute dolphins (so gay right!?). Find the one right for your party, blow blow blow and have fun! ;-P
A pool party ain’t a pool party without cool music. Don’t go too cool here – summer and pool parties are for something lighter and more fun – such as classic pop tunes. Take any gay music chart, copy it and play it – people will love it – of course, that’s because we gays indeed have the best taste in everything, including music. If you even manage to go a bit retro – great job. Now this is one of the most things… speakers! You’re going to need something with a deep bass.
The biggest mistake you could make is preparing a lot of food for a pool party. Nobody is going to eat carbs while being topless in front of other, oh-so-hot people. However, you could create a buffet, but you just know all your platters will be in use when you need them, and no one wants to swim all bloated after eating anyway. A fully stocked protein station with bars and powders and shakers will be enough to satisfy any hunk’s hunger. Also, always have a vegetarian or vegan choice – you should always be able to lie and say that you’re a vegan in case you see a handsome six-packed-granola-wolf.
This is an absolute must. No party is over until wayyy after the sun sets and you’ve hit the after party. How have we not collapsed from heat exhaustion and dehydration? Our drinks have ice! Duh! And you know gays don’t sleep on the weekend so that’s not even a question. The DJ you hire for the pool party needs to change outfits and locations… and so do you. I hope you packed another speedo. The sunglasses stay.. cause it’s been a long day and you’re tired from strutting your stuff. There must be plenty of house music and pop remixes. After all that is finally time to go chill….. or another party .. more quiet.